This week in coaching we have been using Kris Carr’s fabulous and inspirational love notes. 52 gentle powerful messages written on colour rich illustrations drawn by artist Lori Portka. Beautiful reminders of how we can love and appreciate ourselves more. I’m also really tempted to buy some of Lori’s amazing prayer flags to positively energise my new coaching room. Have you seen them?
We had so much fun with these cards and have used them to write stories which reflect our subconscious beliefs. There has been a reoccurring theme:
It takes courage to be yourself
Synchronistically (if that can be a word), I then attended a talk by Dr David Hamilton about his new book I Heart Me. You have to listen to this man talk. He really does inspire with science. His piano playing research and Power Pose technique go down a treat in my coaching sessions.
I learnt how being my true self was the key to connecting with others. By the way have you read my free eBook about connection? If you have, you will know that it is at the heart of Positive Parenting. Connecting with your children every day so they are securely plugged into you and they feel loved by you.
Connection means being authentic every day, which also means not masking bits of myself. I feel so naked writing that (I’m not!). I feel like you can see right inside me if I show up as I am and then…….*gasps* Shock! Horror! You will judge me. What if I am not good enough?
This brings me on seamlessly to Dr David Hamilton 3 stages of self love :
1) I am not enough
2) I have had enough
3) I am good enough
Which one are you?
Connection is blocked by shame. The fear tells us: ‘I’m not good enough and so there must be something wrong with me.’ Other people won’t like me. What’s your likeability rating?
“The trouble with shame is the less you talk about it, the more you have it.” ~ Brene Brown, Vulnerability Researcher
Life is messy as told by Brene Brown (her incredibly insightful TED talk on vulnerability is a must listen). It has ups and downs and ins and outs. It can be smooth but it can be choppy. It challenges us and keeps us on our toes. Take a minute to think about how much you try to control and predict Your Life. Your children. Your Husband. Your Wife.
Brene talks about how we need to lean into the discomfort of life instead of tidy it up, organise it and get it under control. *ticks that off her list proudly!* Although it’s not a to do list is it? Life is not a list of actions that we must do. It feels scary to wade through the uncertainty knowing at any time it could all go wrong. That’s hellish for a perfectionist. We don’t want to get it wrong!
When we are truly ourselves and we are vulnerable, we live in that messiness and we allow it. Life doesn’t come with guarantees. This means we don’t numb the bad feelings (we are more in debt, more overweight, more on-line and more addicted than we have ever been). Instead we allow them. If we numb out the discomfort of the shame, disappointment, hurt and fear, then we also numb out the good stuff too (joy, gratitude and happiness) until we are miserable. So miserable that we need to stick our head in the cookie jar and inhale its contents (or whatever your preferred numbing mechanism is).
In order to be vulnerable we need to be seen. We need to know that what makes us vulnerable makes us beautiful. To be vulnerable is to be free. Free without expectation of behaving how we think we should behave. Wow! Wouldn’t that be great?
This smart and funny lady connects with her audience by being what she calls “whole-hearted.” Whole-hearted human beings according to Brene have connection, compassion and courage. They know that they are worthy of love and belonging. They know that life is unpredictable and yet still, they give it a go at the risk of being rejected, getting it wrong and being disappointed. I wanna be whole-hearted. I really do.
The part I hear the loudest is about having the compassion and kindness for myself first before I can have that for others. The same when it comes to your children. If that negative inner critic voice in your head is still really loud, it will be the voice that they hear too.
When you love your children with your whole heart they have a deep sense of worthiness and belonging. They are connected. I’m not talking about the other types of ‘love’ I see where there are conditions placed upon each other. I’m talking about this kind of love.
I started out this posted stating that it takes courage to be yourself and it really does.
How much do you want to live from the heart and show your imperfections? How comfortable do you want to get with the uncomfortableness? How messy are you prepared to get? How free do you want to be? How much do you want to live YOUR life and not the life you think you should be living?
If you want to connect with me to Pick My Brain about parenting or anything else related to living a whole-hearted life, then please get in touch. I’d love to hear from you.
Love Smiley x