It was all colour and creativity this week at The Energy Pod when we explored the energy of our auras (energy fields). We drew them and talked about what blocked our energy in these 7 charkas (energy centres) which can be found in different parts of our body. Check out their aura artwork here (I get really excited when they share because when I’m taking the class online, I’m sitting seeing what is taking shape on the page in front of them) …
This is very empowering for children as it shows them that they have choices and they help themselves feel better when they need to. It fosters independence and confidence which some parents find hard to deal with. I’ve written before about why this type of co-dependent connection and others hamper healthy development. It always surprises me how so many people see confidence as a negative quality. As modest Brits, we cringe and make judgements about our loud American counterparts and we worry that our child will be seen as a show off and won’t be liked.
Have you got the definition of confidence wrong?
Being assertive isn’t about taking over or being bossy. It’s about asking for your needs to be met, it’s about knowing who you are and being OK with that – not comparing yourself to others. My definition of confidence isn’t about being loud, brash or bragging. It’s confidence from the inside out. It’s a prerequisite for living your best life. It’s feeling comfortable in your own skin and being who you came here to be.
How is your confidence linked to your heart and throat?
One very clear correlation was between the earth (solar plexus) chakra and the heart and throat chakras. As the children typed their feedback into the chat roll it was so clear to me. I love this bit of the class because as they all chip in, they can see very clearly that other children feel the same way that they do. So let me explain …
- Your solar plexus which sits on your belly button is the vibrant energy of your personal power, self esteem and feeling confident. It’s orange and is blocked by shame.
- Your heart chakra represents your ability to love yourself and others. It’s green and is blocked by loss, trauma and grief.
- Your throat chakra is your voice, your truth and about being seen and heard for who you are. It’s blue and is blocked by lies, denial and not knowing who you truly are.
Those 3 chakras are clearly linked because if you don’t have self worth or personal power, you will feel uncomfortable speaking your true feelings and standing up for yourself. Your personal power is related to your ability to set boundaries, being able to say no and valuing your wants and needs. Not to mention being able to ask for them without guilt. You will also feel more comfortable giving love and doing things for others, instead of receiving it.
Do you find it hard to receive compliments?
Last week, I coached a lovely young lady who found it hard to receive compliments and I can completely relate to that. How do you feel when somebody pays you a compliment?
She turned up to the session with a new hair cut, worried about what other people thought of it and a beautiful ‘Believe’ bookmark which she had made for me. How kind! With the magic of coaching, the session nicely panned out the way it was meant to. This is often how it works which is why I tell parents not to worry about updating me (what is a priority for them, may not be for their child). My client recognising that her opinion mattered most and she needed to believe and be true to herself.. Look at the picture we drew and then I’ll talk you through what the key insights were from the session and how you can use them to help you and your child.
I want you to realise how important this is!
It’s so important that children grow up feeling comfortable in their own skin and comfortable about who they are. You can help them with that. You are their mirror. What are you reflecting back to them about who they are and how they show up in the world? When you lack self esteem and confidence, life is a struggle. Making decisions, choosing healthy friendships, learning, understanding your feelings, communicating in an argument, asking for your needs to be met …I could go on. All of this stuff is tricky and it doesn’t need to be.
The Magic Relationship Ratio
My clever client drew scales to represent giving and receiving of love as a balancing act. We talked about The Magic Relationship Ratio. That “magic ratio” is 5 to 1. This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions. As a parent, how critical are you? Do you connect before you correct your child? Do you notice the good and see the best in your child (or assume the worst)?
Letting the good stuff in
On a deep level, when you can’t let compliments or love in, you don’t feel worth of love. You over give because there is a tape of ‘not good enough’ running in your head. You become resentful. If you don’t love and value yourself, you will settle. Settle for second best; settle for the last broken cookie in the jar, the cold bath water, the ‘it will do’ rushed unfulfilling jobs, bad partners and toxic friendships. You deserve the best. Don’t settle. If you are role modelling settling to your child (your self care will be a fairly good indicator of how much you value yourself), that will be their experience of life too.
Fear of being seen
Lots of kids who were drawing their chakras, couldn’t access their orange energy because of shame. They told me: ‘I don’t like being in the spotlight!’ or ‘I don’t want people to look at me!’ Shame is tricky because it gets passed on through the generations. Are you unconsciously shaming your child? Toxic shame means you think you are bad person at your core and naturally you don’t want anybody to look at you and feel that vulnerable. It’s as if people can see right into your soul and you fear that they will see how bad you are. You are not bad. You are human. I had a huge fear of reading in front of the class at school for this very reason. My shame would light up like a Christmas tree when I tripped over a word or I thought people were talking about me behind my back (assuming they weren’t saying nice things…).
Knowing what you need
I don’t know if you can see where I have written my compliments inside pink hearts. I asked my client what she wanted to hear from others and what she felt people didn’t realise about her. I have a lovely exercise similar to this that you can do with your child. It’s called making an ‘I love you poster’ and you can find out how to make one here. If you know what you need, ask for it. Tell your partner or your child: ‘I love it when you do that…’ instead of telling them all the things they do which displease you. Are you good at communicating your needs? People can’t mind read as much as we would like them to.
Kindness and compassion
You can see that my client has written here to be kind to herself and to let those compliments in. Besides, how offended would you be if somebody didn’t take your love, your gifts, your compliments or your time? Insulted? When we don’t value ourselves, we treat ourselves like we are not good enough instead of being our own best friend. This is why I created Smiley’s Little Box of Kindness to teach children, self compassion, kindness, self soothing and self care at a very young age. Imagine having grown up with these very valuable skills? How different would it be for you right now?
Can coaching help your child feel more confident?
There are so many ways coaching can help. Being a child like this myself, I have total empathy for how they feel. Having discovered how to grow my self worth using positive affirmations. Changing those deep rooted beliefs about myself and reframing my negative and stinking thinking was just the beginning. That’s why I made the Smiley Thought Cards for the children because I know that and they do exactly that! You can read more about how they work here.
- If your child is uncomfortable being in the spot light, feels lonely or not smart enough
- If your child is sometimes socially uncomfortable, lacks self belief or is critical of themselves (perfectionism is such a party pooper)
- If your child lacks self belief, doubts themselves or worries about getting it wrong
Smiley coaching can help them. How would it be to see them freed from that? Of course, it’s the greatest gift you could possibly give them. The gift of true confidence.
My new online course ‘Be Your Own Best Friend’ is designed to help you and your child learn to feel good in their own skin. It’s much easier to be confident when you like who you are and when you value yourself enough to know that you DESERVE the very best.