‘Tell me what you want. What you really really want?!’ sung the Spice Girls back in the day where Victoria Beckham could manage a smile and Girl Power was the order of the day! I bet lots of us don’t know the answer to that question.
Do you have a positive or negative outlook?
We’re more likely to ask ‘What is wrong with you?’ instead of ‘What is right? What is going well?’
Is that you? Do you see problems and challenges or opportunities and learning scenarios?
As humans, we’re predisposed to negative bias because our brains are looking for threats so we can keep ourselves safe. So it takes more effort to look at the good stuff. I feel very strongly about not making children feel like they are a problem, more that they are experiencing a problem and need support to come through it and learn from it. We’re all learning and it’s helpful to have somebody who gets it to navigate those unknown waters and show us the way. Not to mention some very practical strategies which last beyond the time spent in coaching and well into adulthood.
How will I get the best results for my family?
The over arching success of coaching is down to rapport. The connection that I have with my clients is key and that is why I wrote my eBook with a step-by-step guide to focusing on your rapport with your child. If you don’t have that, you can’t influence, guide and have a happy relationship with them.
If your child is hanging out with me on a regular basis they have a rapport with me, so it doesn’t matter if it’s on a video, via a group or in 121 coaching.
I don’t know what I want Smiley!
When you tell me: ‘I don’t know!’, I would put money on the fact that you do know what you don’t want!
Yes, that’s easy! Go on! Write a list now of how you don’t want to feel, do or be.
- I don’t want to be …..so busy I can’t think!
- I don’t want to have …..too much time away from my family!
- I don’t want to feel ….stressed or uncertain about the future (do you have a crystal ball?!)
So on that list, the third one is the most important: How you feel because …..and here’s the really important bit…..
How you act is driven by your feelings
As you feel overwhelm, you are unable to take action. Although, ironically, the key to overcoming overwhelm is to take action. If you don’t, you stay stuck. Why don’t you check out the replay of the Energy Pod Class on Overwhelm which will move you on nicely from there? I
f you feel too busy to take action, then your perpetual state of being busy will fuel all your behaviour which is to keep ‘doing.’ How do you know that you are focusing your energy on the most important things or are you just stuck repeating old habits which don’t serve you or your child?
Staying stuck can feel ‘safe’
Sometimes there is a benefit to staying stuck. It’s familiar and therefore safe. Sounds ridiculous but it’s true. Here are some common examples:
- If my child stops having a problem, then I will have to look at my own stuff
- If we are not an angry house, we will have more emotional intimacy, that will feel too vulnerable
- If my child develops emotional resilience, they won’t need me and I will feel redundant or sad
When parents contact me about coaching, they are often upset, confused or overwhelmed. So I wanted to give those of you that feel like that a little bit of help. Often parents will tell me about the problem. They are looking at the problem, the story and the history. All I’m interested in is how your child feels because that is where the point of power is.
3 key points of focus to unstick yourself!
Step 1 Keep it Simple
When you are a rabbit in the headlights you can’t see the wood for the trees (metaphor overload!). We overcomplicate things and can also have preconceived ideas of what the unknown looks like. To keep ourselves safe, we tell ourselves fibs so that we don’t have to move out of our comfort zone. This is your fear talking and it will hold you back from even trying to make change. What does this look like:
- We ask what if questions like: what if it goes wrong?….what if they don’t like it?…. what if I can’t do it?…what if it doesn’t work?….BUT What if it does work? What if it goes right? Listen to Michelle’s story….
- We make excuses: we’re too busy, we can’t afford it (when you really want something and you value it, you’ll find a way).
- We put barriers up with preconceived ideas: it’s too babyish, we don’t need therapy – it’s not that bad (it doesn’t have to be bad to want to talk about how you feel!!), we won’t like that, it won’t work for us, we don’t want to talk in a group. This blog post You Think You Know What Coaching Is? Think Again explains more or listen to Karen talk about how it wasn’t what she thought it would be.
- We play the, ‘We’ll start it when….’ game: the exams are over, the holidays have finished, school isn’t so busy, I’m a size 10 etc.
- We’re OK at the moment / It’s just a phase / We don’t want to get upset again: OK but it’s worth remembering that when you’re in the middle of a panic attack or an emotional situation that you can’t regulate your emotions if you haven’t been practising. So you need to be practising what you learn every day. Any feelings you are carrying which are unaddressed, will reappear in a different way and leaving them can make you sick.
- We have fixed ideas about how things should be: No we don’t need help with feelings, we’re struggling with friendships or bedtime. Yes but those situations are being fuelled by emotions which is where the point of power is.
The bottom line is you don’t really know what anything is like until you experience it. So try not to get wrapped up in any unhelpful fear based thoughts and move onto step 2.
Step 2 Look at Your Choices
You need all the information before you make an informed choice. So ask questions and seek out more information with your goal in mind.
Pssst: there’s so much information on this website which is laid out clearly and will answer your questions. Each part of coaching has a Frequently Asked Questions section, there is a very informative blog which has a search facility so get reading!
Here are 4 quick questions to help you choose:
1. How much time do you have to invest in coaching? (121 coaching is 50 mins a week plus some adhoc things to try at home, group coaching is the same and self study is go at your own pace and do as much as you can when you can).
2. What is your child’s learning style? In my experience children learn best when they are putting their knowledge into action.
“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” Benjamin Franklin
3. What is your goal? What do you hope to get from coaching? How will your life be different after coaching to how it is now? Base your goals on how you want to feel. Try not to get into the story and problem solving. This won’t help you. (Smiley Tip: the replay of the Energy Pod class on Creativity will shift you out of this way of thinking!)
Step 3 Take Action
After reading this blog, you will forget 80% of it in 7 days time!!! So by all means be inspired, but take action. Do something! Just one thing which will take you closer to your goal (the way you want to feel…or don’t want to feel and flip that feeling on its head). Try a freebie, listen to the podcast, come to the Energy Pod. Just start!
This is the key to feeling better and moving beyond stuck. Don’t think about all the steps and working it all out. Just start!
Trust yourself, trust me and trust the process.
If you’re still stuck: listen to your gut
Your soul knows the answers – yes that’s cheesy but it’s true. Get out of your head and let your soul drive. It knows the answers.
What would happen if YOU chose to take action starting 1st May?
What if you prioritised the important stuff for 30 days? I’m helping Magical Mamas like you get shit done as a live coaching eCourse, simply click here for all the details. All you have to do is take the first step and sign up!