Lisa Parkes ©

 

It’s in the darkness when I lay still; I’m haunted by the memories of my once strong will.

How you slowly crushed it day by day. It was too loud, too angry and it wouldn’t go away.

In your perfect world, it didn’t belong or fit; it was messy and ugly, there was no time for it.

Or any emotion or wrongful show, that brought shame and injured your fragile ego.

So you sent me there, for hours I lay, crying on my bed which is why today,

Whenever the darkness finally comes to fall, I’m reliving the painful loneliness of it all.

Angry tears and words, I thrashed, I sobbed, and it was all in vein, because eventually you robbed

Me of who I was meant to be, a leader, determined; I would fight so courageously.

Yes I was exceptionally brave; a tiny part of my strong will that thankfully saved

Me from the isolation of being in that room, shut away, afraid, awaiting my doom.

Helpless and hopeless, I would often despair. Is anybody coming? Do you even care?

I would wait until it was safe once more, to come downstairs and stand at the door,

‘Sorry’ was the magic word, I didn’t mean it but it was so absurd,

How everything was twisted to your obscure reality, I couldn’t get it right, I tried so desperately.

Today my strong will is taking a stand; it will no longer be feared by your angry hand.

That hit and pummelled the depths of my soul, I’ve had enough now, so I’m relinquishing my role

Of being the family garbage bin, the carrier of blame and shameful sin.

I’m telling the truth and you can’t punish me for that, I know you won’t like it, but this is payback

Because I think it’s time to set myself free, of the lies, the pretense, and secrecy.

No longer will you have control over me, I was angry and rageful, I had every right to be!

It’s easier to blame a child than to take responsibility, for the parts of you that you didn’t want to see.

I do understand why you had to do that; defended and traumatised you couldn’t look back

At your story and what they did to you, I know it’s painful I really do.

Because I’m dealing with it every day, and I really wish it would go away.

At least it would be easier if you were here, instead I’m stuck alone in my fear

It’s a bit like how you left me before, except I now have the power to unlock the door

I wonder, I wait, how will it turn out? I guess that’s the ‘letting go’ bit they tell you about.

But it doesn’t go without facing the past, already time ticks by so fast.

There is always time for honesty; if you really wanted there to be.

I’m not entirely sure that you do, ‘cos we have different versions of what is true.

It’s crazy how they are poles apart. I’ll still save a place for you in my healing heart.

I’m not the kind of person to give up easily, maybe my strong will is not forever lost in history

It’s tired and weary; a little tatty and worn, it’s taken a lot out of me to mourn

The loss of you and all we had, but my strong will lives on and so for that, I’m glad.

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