Lisa Parkes ©

 

I miss you, I wish that you were near, I hate it that you’ve disappeared.

Here today and gone tomorrow, left gasping in a pool of sorrow.

The heartache soaks my pillow wet, I haven’t been able to stop it yet.

I’ve had to hide my upset from you because it’s not met with a centred or balanced view.

You get really cross that I’m calling you out, you throw it back at me to spark my self-doubt.

I lose myself. I’m worried I’ve made, a big mistake with a price to be paid. 

Please come back, let’s make it right and put an end to our horrible fight.

Shouting and screaming in my face again, words that shape my young brain. 

I believe that stuff, it has power, it runs a tape in my head every hour.

Reminding me of how much I disappoint you, although it feels impossible whatever I do

Nothing makes you happy and calm. I can’t even find a way to disarm

Your angry fists; gritted teeth on show, I can tell I disgust you; this contempt I know. 

Your eyes are narrow, your mouth sneers and curls; ‘You stupid child!’ your insults are hurled

Violently in my direction and I talk back, it’s my only protection.

Yet you want to punish and make it about me, my disrespect, not your irresponsibility!

It’s your job to keep me safe and provide for me a loving space. 

You’re supposed to be somebody I trust, but your unpredictability turned that to dust.

It has to be my fault, there’s no other ending, I wonder if others see the truth you’re bending.

 

It’s a battle of strong wills, and who really has won? Nobody wins, this isn’t fun!

This is a losing game for all; it’s pointless, destructive, heartless and cruel.

Can we draw a line by saying sorry? So I know it’s over and I don’t have to worry.

About if you’ll be kind or on the warpath, I’m fed up of dodging your relentless wrath.

It’s terribly tiring being on red alert, not knowing what’s next or if I’ll get hurt.

Sorry isn’t something we should be forced to say, to make it all go away.

I know that, but I have no choice, you’ve silenced me and stolen my voice. 

Why do I have to be the bigger one, to smooth it over so it’s forgotten and done?

I have to grovel and apologise, there is no equal or fair compromise.

Have you no compassion or empathy? I seriously can’t handle your brutality!

Do you ever stop and think about how you devilishly deceive? 

Or is it easier to block it out and play make-believe?

 

And I forgive so easily, I’m not one to hold grudges. I want to set us both free.

By letting go of how I feel, and by accepting that you’re not perfect but real.

Just like me, I mess up too, I would never want to intentionally hurt you. 

It’s lonely here and rather bleak, I’d love it if you and I could speak.

 Have difficult conversations and talk it through, then get back to ‘I love you!’

There’s extensive collateral damage in this war, one I never would have willingly signed up for.

I wish that there was a way that we both could be, at peace and live in harmony.

 

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