Here are some Smiley highlights to save time …
4:06 At The Energy Pod this week, we’ve been talking about emotional resilience and having a growth mindset. You can’t become emotionally resilient (bounce back from disappointment or adversity), if you don’t try and fail. Children who are afraid of getting it wrong, then become avoidant of trying new things, just in case they get it wrong.
4:41 What was making it hard for the children in The Energy Pod to make mistakes and get things wrong was the feelings of shame and guilt they felt.
4:58 The shame sounded like toxic shame which is very different to healthy shame. Healthy shame says ‘I did a bad thing’. Toxic shame says: ‘I am a bad kid’.
5:19 Hear me tell my story about why being punished for emoting (expressing my anger) caused me to feel ashamed of my feelings.
5:35 Hear me talk about how a parent with aggressive anger (rage) or passive aggressive anger (ignoring or silent treatment) has a devastating effect on a child and can cause them to feel as if it’s their fault – that they’re getting it wrong.
7:00 Learn how I became aggressive with my anger and turned into the family scapegoat.
7:42 How that affects me now as an adult and how that could affect you too.
8:08 How does a parent’s unhealthy angry response impact on a child’s fear of getting it wrong or making mistakes.
8:45 A fear of getting it wrong leads to low emotional resilience which means everyday disappointment, losing or a change of plans can seem tricky to manage.
09:30 You cannot selectively numb out from your feelings – so numb one and you numb them all out which means you’re not living life in full colour (and you’re avoiding an inevitable meltdown).
12:27 What unconscious contracts did you make with yourself in childhood to keep yourself safe which no longer serve you as an adult? It would help to look at these because they are holding you back and stopping you from reaching your full potential. They will also be impacting on parenting your child optimally too.
13:56 Which of your child’s feelings leave you feeling uncomfortable? Anger? Sadness? Worry? Anything your child does which triggers you is an invitation for you to look at yourself and understand your own wounds so you can parent optimally.
14:44 What feelings of yours are you avoiding? If you’re numbing your own feelings, then your child will be learning from you how to do that too.
14:57 This is why I suggest that families come to The Energy Pod every week to learn to connect to their emotional selves and also to slowly learn how to connect to and express their feelings.
15:05 Why do children resist meditation and avoid feelings? They don’t feel safe enough to let go and feel their feelings. What can you do about that?
16:11 It’s painful for perfectionists to make mistakes and to feel like they’re wrong if they’ve been shamed.
17:38 Exploring and being honest about your triggers is what will set you and your child free.
17:47 Some more questions for you:
- How do you role model getting it wrong in your family?
- Do you say sorry after conflict?
- Do you role model healthy repair?
- Is there an end to conflict and do you draw a line under it?
- Are you defensive and always right?
18:32 You have so much power over your children which is why it’s so important that you become self aware and mindful of how that power affects them on a daily basis (it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being real).
19:06 Your goal is not to eradicate the trigger (it’s your programming from early childhood) but to reduce your recovery time when you’ve been triggered (your bounce-back-ability / your emotional resilience).
20:04 Children spend all day searching for your love and approval. Here is the blog I refer to in the video.
20:40 What you can do to own your anger and role model processing it in a healthier way?
21:07 Trying to be perfect and not being able to be wrong will cause you and your child anxiety and depression – be honest with yourself!
22:22 If as a parent watching this, you recognise that you were emotionally neglected or raised in a house where you were afraid or felt unsafe for whatever reason, it’s vital that you look at that and understand how it has shaped you and your filter of the world. It goes beyond you: what emotional legacy do you want to leave your children?
23:10 Your feelings cannot hurt you. They are just energy passing through your body with a message for you. If you’re a Freeze Stress Response Type, listen to what you can do. If you don’t know what your Stress Response Type is, take the Free Parents’ Training here.
26:37 What’s the worst thing that can happen? You feel a bit crappy but if you don’t feel your feelings, you’ll feel worse. Eventually when you’re emotionally constipated you can become sick, anxious and depressed.
27:16 Look at where you make yourself wrong and how you speak to yourself. What do you convince yourself is wrong with you – that thing that you think is stopping you from being happy? Is that true?
28:08 I’m giving you permission to get it wrong. Celebrate failure as much as you celebrate success. Have a Failure Friday (as recommended by The Big Life Journal).
29:38 There are 2 helpful blog posts that I mention with regard to feeling your feelings:
- Can you be patient and sit with your feelings?
- 10 Must Read Insights from Children Who Talk About Their Feelings.
- You will also find ‘How to Tame Your Angry Dragon’ a super helpful online learning pack for your whole family to deal with your anger, shame and the vulnerable feelings which sit beneath your anger.
If anything in this video has triggered you or you would like to ask me a question, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. I’m here to help you!
Tame Your Angry Dragon
If you enjoyed that video and found it useful, you might want to check out my online learning pack ‘How to Tame Your Angry Dragon!’ which you can find here.