How do you fancy doing some emotional housekeeping with me? When was the last time, you looked at your emotional self?

For years, I wasn’t connected to that part of myself and it made life very difficult for me. I suppressed lots of feelings which made me depressed and anxious. That’s why I went to therapy to become more emotionally literate and consequently created The Energy Pod.

This is because I had childhood trauma. You can find out more about the serious impact of untreated trauma on families here and you can also work out your trauma response with my parents training. Then you can see if you’re helping or unconsciously hindering your child.

The following 2 scenarios have come up with clients recently. If you can see yourself in here, the truth will set you free. Are you ready for the truth?

SCENARIO #1: The Fearful Mum + Avoidant Child

My child is being bossed around at school by a dominant friend and I’m worried that they don’t know how to handle themselves. Every time I try to bring up the subject, my child says there is nothing wrong, shuts me down and won’t talk about feelings. They are totally AVOIDANT.

Decoding Your Child’s Message

This is a child who is pushing back. This could be a child who is afraid of getting wrong / getting into trouble but that’s an entirely different matter. Let’s stick with this scenario for now.
Their avoidance is a maladaptive coping mechanism to communicate their ‘NO’ to you.
Their resistance says: ‘BACK OFF Mum I’m fine! Why are you making this into such a big deal?’
Is it their problem or is it your perception of the problem they are having?

Emotional Housekeeping Questions

Is it your problem or your child’s problem?
Are you really listening to what your child is telling you?
Do you respect your child’s ‘NO’ when it is safe and appropriate to do so?
How safe is it for you to hand over the reigns to your child or other adults who are around when you’re not?
How safe did you feel growing up? – – If you were raised in a home where you didn’t feel safe, your need to control will be big. You’ll want to keep everybody SAFE. That is your filter of the world.
Are you scared you are going to ‘hurt’ or ‘damage’ your child in some way if you don’t take action?
Do you have healthy boundaries with your child? Do you know where you end and they begin?
Are you TOO CONTROLLING? – – In parent / child relationships where there are NO boundaries – we call this ENMESHED, or unhealthy boundaries, children are being overly parented to the point where they will resist. Love is not control. Children need love.

SCENARIO #2 The Fearful Mum + Controlling Child

My child is out of control. They are angry and acting out. They are hurting me or not listening to me. I need you to coach my child and stop them from doing that.

Decoding Your Child’s Message

I’ve got way too much power and control. I’m full of feelings. I’ve NO way of knowing how to deal with THEM. You’re not helping me. Where is the line? (BOUNDARY). I’m a child and I need an adult to take charge. Don’t be afraid of my anger. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t know what else to do.

An angry child that is out of control is not scary when you’re an ADULT with healthy boundaries, emotional intelligence and the confidence to do what is required to help that child with all their feelings.

Emotional Housekeeping Questions

Who is wearing the trousers? Is my child wanting to be in control a lot and uses anger to do this?
Are you comfortable with your own anger? Can you express your anger in a healthy way or do you suppress it?
How do you feel when your child is angry?
Does my child remind me of a controlling parent? – – Did you have a parent who broke your boundaries? Raging? Tyrannical? Manipulative? Drunk? Gaslighting? Physically Abusive?
Did anybody ask you as a child: How do you feel? What do you need?
Did you spend all your time taking care of your parent and making sure they were OK? – – You’ve been programmed to put others’ needs and feelings before your own,even in situations where you can get hurt.

How can you clean up on your side of the fence?

If you can see yourself in there, here are 3 things you need to help you:

1) Becoming more EMOTIONALLY LITERATE is the key to helping yourself and your child. This is what The Energy Pod is for.

Want to know what how emotionally literate your family is? Take this test.

2) Learn what BOUNDARIES are and how to set them. A good barometer for this: can you say no to your own parents without fearing the consequences? Can you say no to yourself? Do you have an internal stop button that says ‘That’s enough!’

A punishment, confiscation, time out or enforced consequences are NOT boundaries.

3) Commit to doing the work on yourself because you are worth it but also because you want to change the dynamic of this relationship. It won’t change if YOU DON’T!

Doing your emotional housekeeping alters your child’s behaviour

This learning pack ‘How to Be A Confident Parent’ is designed to get you to look at yourself and your thinking which in turn will get you to look at how much power and influence you have as a parent. Is your fear or need to control driving the relationship?

>>Click here to find out more

This learning pack ‘No More Power Struggles’ is designed to get you to look at your internal boundaries (can you say no to yourself?). You will then be able to set boundaries with your child and other people in your life. Believe me, life gets so much easier when you can say no and not feel bad about it!

>>Click here to find out more

So many of us had our emotional, physical or mental boundaries broken in childhood and if we can’t say no to ourselves (or to others) and we don’t know where the line is, we won’t be able to set boundaries as a parent. Children need us to know how to do this. Otherwise they will feel angry or unsafe and scared.

Often it’s not the child’s problem. It’s the child acting out the problem of the whole family system. Smiley Tip: Any behaviour you see in your child is a message for you to decode.