Autumn is here. Wakey wakey! – – It’s time for CHANGE.
I’ve been preparing ‘Be Your Own Best Friend’. It’s BRAND NEW territory for me and replaces my very popular creative coaching workshops. Do you remember those? It was hard to let go; they kick started my business in those early days.
I like change. Do you? I like to let go of the OLD and welcome in the NEW. How do you see change? As a scary unknown which creates anxiety or as an exciting adventure of endless possibilities?
When we’re scared we make up stories which feed into our fear and keep us stuck. I talk about them in this blog Do you know what you really really want? and give you a 3-step process to unstick yourself.
I know you’re SCARED of change because you frequently ask me:
‘How can I convince my child to come to coaching?’
Notice how you see it as your job to convince your child. If it’s YOUR agenda, why should they? That also implies they won’t be enjoying themselves. You’ve only got to hear what the kids say to know that’s not true! You’re wrong!
Anyway, how are you talking about coaching to them? What do YOU think coaching looks like? Here’s a more accurate description.
What if I don’t like it? What if it’s boring?
What if you do like it and it’s the best thing you ever did because you finally meet somebody who understands how you feel AND they can tell you how to help yourself feel BETTER?
If you’ve never been to one of my classes, how do you know? You don’t. You have NO idea. And you certainly couldn’t predict how your child will feel.
Unless that’s what you’re scared of?? Not being in control of the outcome?
I understand. SPOILER ALERT: You’re not in control of much apart from yourself!! It’s an illusion.
You know you’re just feeding your own worry monster and creating fear in your child? Resistance is FEAR. There it is again: fear of the unknown. When we don’t know, we make up stories …and that is such a bad habit.
DON’T let fear stop you!
Well it’s not stopping you is it? It’s YOUR CHILD who is missing out. I’ve got a couple of helpful suggestions (it’s ultimately your call) but the more information and facts you gather, the less likely your worries are to lie to you)
#1 Why don’t you virtually introduce me to your child? Episode 9 of the Truly Madly Smiley podcast drops on Friday. It’s my connection with them that gets results. Just like your connection with them does.
#2 Would you like to come behind the scenes with me and see what online learning looks like? ….>>CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT FOR YOURSELF
#3 Ask your child what their choices are. “Would you rather feel like this or try something to help you feel better?”
#4 Step into your parental authority and set boundaries with empathy
When your child has too much power, they feel overwhelmed and anxious. It’s up to you to take the matter in hand with kindness and respectfully. You can read this blog post 5 Smiley Steps to Setting Boundaries because boundaries with empathy are essential for being a kind, respectful parent. I also have a course, ‘No More Power Struggles’ which is a deep dive into boundary setting. I highly recommend it if you want a healthy happy relationship with your child as they grow up.
Anyway, back to the matter in hand: how about saying something like this:
- State the problem: “I love you and I’ve noticed how you’re really struggling with that. It must be so hard. It’s not OK for me as your Mum to see you struggle like this every day.”
- Open up a discussion. “Let’s think about what we can do. What are your choices?” – see above
- Set boundaries with empathy: “I know it’s hard but I can’t help you unless you work with me on this. What do you need?”
- Get your child to check in with their feelings and brainstorm ideas within the boundaries you have set. e.g. if your child is refusing school, not going is not an option (that’s the boundary and the law), but you’re prepared to keep talking, listening and trying new things until your child finds their way. Otherwise you’re enabling their behaviour and that’s not OK. Nor is it helpful to them.
- “These are your feelings and it’s important you learn to understand them and find a way with them. We’ll keep trying. I’m on your side and I’m committed to helping you find a way, but you need to work with me.” (accountability and team work).
- “I have some ideas. Would you be open to listening and considering them? I’m going to ask you try this class / see Smiley / watch this video for me. I want you to be open to learning something new and listen. If you try and you don’t like it, then we’ll try something else, BUT I can’t magically make it better as much as I would like to.”
- Let your child have some control: “What will you do next?”