Perfectionism: it’s exhausting and holds you prisoner to an unachievable way of life which makes you miserable.
I want to see if any of these behaviours are showing up in your house and how you might be unknowingly contributing towards them. I said ‘unknowingly’ because I hadn’t quite realised myself how this very thing leaks out in all my daily actions. It may be the very thing that you had overlooked.
The video above is about 30 minutes long and it’s quite an important one, so I’ve highlighted the best bits to help you. Find out why your child:
👎 could worry about getting told off (hear me talk about how society lacks empathy for children at 3.20 mins)
👎 has high levels of anxiety around school work (hear me talk about homework at 23.20 mins)
👎 procrastinates or puts off starting something new (hear me talk about a child’s self worth at 19 mins)
👎 tells fibs so they don’t get into trouble or avoid talking about their negative feelings (hear me talk about punishment at 8 mins)
👎 gets angry when you interrogate them and try to get them to talk about things they don’t want to (hear me talk about boundaries at 27 mins)
👎 gets upset when they don’t get everything right (hear me talk about how black and white thinking keeps you stuck at 11.30 mins)
👎 doesn’t come to you and openly share (hear me talk about how punishment breaks trust 17:35 mins)
10 ways perfectionism is created in children
- Parents who are more concerned with how things look as opposed to how they feel.
- A child who is compared unfavourably to their siblings will feel like they don’t quite make the cut.
- Parents who vicariously live through their child (to fulfil all their own lost dreams),tend to be achievement focussed as opposed to the the personal qualities or enjoyment of the child.
- Parents’ negative reaction to mistakes causes the child to feel bad and they want to avoid that.
- A child’s negative feelings are judged and this makes them hide bits of themselves in order to appear perfect.
- Co-dependent families teach children that they are responsible for other people’s feelings and therefore children act in ways to ensure they are on their ‘best behaviour’ and not upsetting other people (they seriously don’t have that much power!)
- Parents who can’t or won’t apologise (because of their pride, programming or narcissistic wounding – Narcissists are never wrong) mean the child is constantly wrong and goes to work on trying harder to win their parent’s love and approval.
- Critical or perfectionist parents carry a belief that they are not good enough and they inadvertently pass this belief onto their children.
- Black and white thinking communicates to children that they can only be ‘good’ or ‘bad’ instead of human.
- Competitive parents with a focus on winning over taking part put pressure on their child to be the best (perfect).
Ultimately children need to experience acceptance and unconditional love no matter how they show up!